


Lacking in Quirky One Liners

by KittensAndTea



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Gen, God This is Bad, Multi, OOC Maxwell, OOC everyone, Oops?, a swap AU, beacuse I felt like it, but I wouldn't bother it's kinda bad, hinted Daniel Jacobi/Warren Kepler?, maybe? - Freeform, not like an exact swap AU, not really I just wanna cover my bases, okay so, purely self indulgent, so anyway; swap AU of the first episode I guess, uh, well you'll see if you read it I guess, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-12 22:52:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14737328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittensAndTea/pseuds/KittensAndTea
Summary: ”This is the audio log of Communications Officer Alana Maxwell. I am speaking from the comms room of the U.S.S. Hephaestus Station. Welcome to day four-hundred and forty-eight of our orbit around the red dwarf star Wolf 359. Kepler and I finally cleared up that problem with the temperature on the station. All the climate control systems are back to normal. Our wonderful auto-pilot promises he’ll try to stop ‘accidentally’ causing more problems than he’s fixing. He also assures me that he isn’t trying to see how much he can break before one of us accidentally dies. Who’d have thought A.I.s were such terrible liars?”





	Lacking in Quirky One Liners

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this today because I felt like this. Might write some more for the AU but no current plans. I may have stolen one or two of Eiffel's lines from the first episode, and Maxwell is more OOC than she should, even considering that this isn't canon... Sorry! Also sorry if I mess up on tenses at all; I'm really bad at sticking to present tense for some reason...

”This is the audio log of Communications Officer Alana Maxwell. I am speaking from the comms room of the U.S.S. Hephaestus Station. Welcome to day four-hundred and forty-eight of our orbit around the red dwarf star Wolf 359.” Her voice fades for a moment, as if she’s in thought. The sounds of the Hephaestus continue on in her silence, “Kepler and I finally cleared up that problem with the temperature on the station. All the climate control systems are back to normal. Our wonderful auto-pilot _promises_ he’ll try to stop ‘accidentally’ causing more problems than he’s fixing. He also assures me that he isn’t trying to see how much he can break before one of us accidentally dies. Who’d have thought A.I.s were such terrible liars?”

She goes silent again, as if waiting for something. It comes in the form of the slightly echoing voice of their auto-pilot, “Hey! I’m not a terrible liar! You take that back, Officer Maxwell!” He demands, offendedly. She snorts in response.

“Never!” She declares loudly, before letting out a sigh, “Up to keeping me company, DANIEL?” She asks, a wry grin set on her face as she sits forward to get onto her actual job. The A.I. makes a noncommittal noise that she takes as reluctant agreement to her suggestion. She goes back to dictating into her recorder, “Our mission tonight is the same as it has been for, oh… The entire time we’ve been up here? The never ending search for extra-terrestrial life in outer space. Trust me, it’s the _most_ exciting job a girl could ask for.”

DANIEL starts laughing as she lets out a sigh. Not appreciated. She wonders why she even invited him to join her, “Yesterday we spent a very relaxing three hours listening to absolute silence coming from the Theta Nu quadrant, and that was great. That was just _great_. Today, how about we take a look at what's going on around... the Alpha Psi sector?” Her fingers drift quickly across her keys as she types out a command, “Is today the day that we make first contact? What do you say... Alpha Psi One?” There’s a burst of static, and then she continues speaking, “Outstanding.” She shuts off the static, writing “Alpha Psi sector, bearing one... no contact.” She lets out another dramatic sigh, and then moves on, “What do you say, Alpha Psi two?” Another burst of static follows her question, and she jots this down again. “Bearing two... same... as... it... ever... was. How are you feeling, bearing three?” Predictably, there’s nothing but static, again. After a beat, she speaks over the static, “Well, folks I don't need to tell you that we are in for one exciting evening. I mean, I don't know if you have any dinner plans, but-.” There’s a strange noise from between the static that makes her pause. She frowns, sitting up straighter and giving her panel a strange look, “What the hell was that? Did I just hear...? I... thought I heard something for a moment there. Umm... hello?” She pauses, but there’s nothing now, “Alpha sector bearing three? Hello?” The uninterrupted static continues, and she sighs, “No, I suppose not.” She switches it off.

“Hate to interrupt, officer…” DANIEL begins, but is interrupted by a buzzing that tells Maxwell someone’s on the comms, trying to speak to her. She groans audibly.

“Maxwell.” The unimpressed drawl of Commander Kepler sounds through the speakers, and she physically holds back a sigh at his tone. She’s honestly entirely unsure what she has done wrong but it’s clearly _something_ , not that it isn’t easy as pie to displease the good commander.

“Yeah, Kepler?” She drones in response, trying to emulate his accent.

“Do you wanna try that again?” He sounds even less impressed than he had to begin with, if that’s even possible. She can’t hold back her sigh this time.

“How may I be of service, Commander Kepler, sir?” She replies monotonously. The salute she makes for effect, despite Kepler not being able to see her, makes DANIEL chuckle. Kepler clicks his tongue.

“Stop distracting the auto-pilot, would you? Have you read your copy of Pryce and Young?” Maxwell thinks about it. Then she thinks some more. She has, in fact, read Pryce and Young. The cover was a very interesting read, and so are the random snippets that DANIEL kept playing whenever she does something that goes against a rule. They're also a sufficient annoyance.

“Yes, sir.” She replies slowly, “I have definitely done that.”

“No she hasn’t!” DANIEL adds with a smug tone that she highly disagrees with an A.I. being able to make.

“I didn’t think so. Next time I speak to you, officer, I expect you to have read the entire book cover to cover.”

“Oh? Will there be a pop quiz.” She asked, pouting at her comms panel.

“Yes.” Comes the irate response, followed by, “Thank you for informing me of Officer Maxwell’s lie, DANIEL.” There’s a buzzing, telling her that the commander is gone, and she groans.

“It’s not fair that he plays favourites! He obviously likes you better than either me or Minkowski!” She complains, eliciting another laugh from the auto-pilot.

“I’m not his favourite! Kepler doesn’t do favourites. You guys just annoy him, like, way more than I do. It’s probably because he doesn’t have to actually look at me.”

“Right…” Alana trails off, chewing on her cheek thoughtfully, “Hey, DANIEL?”

“Yes, Officer Maxwell?”

“Do you have the Pryce and whoever book in your database?” She asks, slowly.

“Pryce and Young's Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual is among the files I have access to, yeah.” He replies, “You want me to play it?”

She settles into her chair, “ _Please_.”

“Of course. Broadcasting Pryce and Young’s Deep Space Survival Procedure Protocol Manual throughout the station.” He replies, sounding just slightly smug.

Alana sits bolt upright, “No!” She cries, before dropping her tone, “No, just to me, you idiot!” She glares at the ceiling, “Secret, okay? I could read it, but I can’t remember where I left it.”

“Coulda asked Kepler! Okay, okay, okay. You good for me to start?” Maxwell nods in response, leaning back again. An overly cheerful strain begins playing through the speakers, with DANIEL talking over it in an equally cheerful tone. Aside from Maxwell’s running commentary, the next half hour is taken up solely by DANIEL’s cheerful reading.

Daniel is interrupted, again, this time by the beeping of Maxwell’s console, followed by the same strange, whooping sound that she’d heard earlier through static. She leans forward and waves distractedly at the ceiling, “DANIEL, shut up. What is that..?” The music and DANIEL’s voice cuts out. Maxwell fiddles around with her console, trying to clear up whatever’s on the line. She keeps fumbling with the console, and it almost seems as if she’s getting somewhere.

The faint, new noise faded back into static and she slams her hand against her console with an annoyed shout, “Oh come on!”

Something explodes. Not in the room, thank god, “Was that me?” She looks up worriedly, “That wasn’t me, right, DANIEL?”

“No…” The auto-pilot says slowly, slightly gleefully, just as a buzzer sounds again.

“Maxwell, what was that?” Kepler questions as soon as she answers, “You better not have been screwing round with your console again.”

She makes an, admittedly embarrassing, almost squawking sound of offense, “One time!”

Another buzzing sound interrupts Kepler’s response, Minkowski’s voice on the other end, “Hey, sorry about that! I was just testing… A thing. Don’t worry, there’s no structural damage!”

There’s a loud clanging in her pause, and then a sliding noise.

“Shit, uh… I gotta go, um, check on something! Bye!” She calls, not even letting anyone speak before she disconnects.

“Well, that explains that!” Alana laughs awkwardly, “Why do we actually _need_ a munitions expert on a research post again? She’s not even a good doctor, just a field medic!”

“You should refrain from questioning orders, Maxwell. And stop bothering DANIEL. Come down to Minkowski’s workspace, she may be hurt.” Maxwell sighs quietly, rolling her eyes.

“Can’t. Minkowski says I’m not allowed in there anymore. Oh well!” She disconnects before Kepler can reply.

DANIEL makes a mildly amused sound of disapproval, “You’ll get in trouble for that.” He says helpfully.

“ _Thanks_. Don’t worry about it, I’ll go help them once I’ve got this signal cleared up a bit.” She replies, sitting forward and beginning to fiddle with her console again. Suddenly, it clears up, becoming recognizable as an old song from the 1910's. The quality is fairly bad, static still sounding through it. She blinks slightly, “Dan, are you hearing this?

“’Dan’ again, really?” The A.I. asks, sounding as if he’d be raising a single, irate eyebrow at her had he a corporeal for. Maxwell waves her hands at him again.

“No, no, no, no, really! Are you hearing this?” She exclaimed, excitedly. “This has to be from Earth! From, like, ages ago! Well, I think anyway… I’ll have to figure out the maths, but I think that’s possible, right? That it’s bounced around the universe and ended up here?” DANIEL begins to speak again, but she flaps at him in response, “No, Dan, just listen to the wonderful sound of earth music. Just for a bit. I’ll go and help Kepler with Minkowski after it’s over.”

With a sigh, the A.I. quiets, and the two listen to the music playing through the speakers in silence.

**Author's Note:**

> Still not very good at this whole AO3 thing... My Tumblr is mochatears I think? Uhhhh... Questions, concerns? Please comment! Or just be on your way! Either way, I thank you for reading my trash!


End file.
